barugh from israel

 still alive

struggling

but alive

reading barugh, from israel.

a lot 

respect that man

feel the way about his thinking

about his way of life

about his assimilation

about his struggle

but he is strong

i am strong

we can do it. 

strong people can do it. 

this is how it is

deep

 the saddest of my live 

never cried that much before. 

never cried that deep before.

never felt the depth of that hole. 

now i see. 

now i feel.

now i know.

still not the bottom. 

but maybe  i see the end. 

maybe it is not the end yet.

is there a way up?

is there a way back? 

is there a way?

the tap

To make a decision is never easy.
and you never know when you are doing good or bad.

Very hard to balance, to keep it normal, to see straight. probably impossible. you just keep trying.

aurea mediocritas

and its still not happening
and probably never going to.

When you feel something is going to the right direction, someone comes and tells you, no, its not how its supposed to be, you are not right, doing it wrong. or just not saying anything.
Putting you in the position of being in unconscious state of mind .. thinking of what has just happened but you do not have the answer because there are no details about the situation.
There are no details, information, facts.. only conspiracy, terrifying  mud, blurry tomorrow, missing support, messy background.
but be strong. do everything what needs to be done. or what you think needs to be done.
thats the hardest.

break sometimes. or just cry a bit.
i cannot cry any more..
very disturbing feeling. 
the tap is not there any more where you used to release the pressure. 

one more day

one by one
it comes and goes.

sometimes better, sometimes harder.

it has never been easy and it will not be.. ever.

getting used to it. or not.

Life is strange. never know what comes. never.
it is not a cliché. this is just how it is.

now i start yoga.

looking for my aurea mediocritas.

still.

not

you loose it and you give up.
you wake up and start again.

it is never how it supposed to be.

never the aurea mediocritas.

it is just not.

read the help yourself books.
talk to terapist.
write a blog.

haha.

i changed my life for that:





I have nothing else to say..

Next step

Next step.. From now on im going to continue my blog in english.

There are more reason behind this step what im going to specify later on... 

I have done some serious changes in my never simple and easy life., very recently, actually.

Just to keep the interest, i woukd give a simple moment what am i doing in this special moment.

16th of August 2016. 

A week before my 27th birthday. 

Im sitting on a bus, somewhere in Poland, heading to Lithuania from Berlin with a lithuanian husband and a lithuanian friend. I lived in London. A bit more than 4 years, actually. Than two weeks ago we just found out that it is not enough. 

Now im on a Eurotrip, destination is Canary Island around the middle of September. 

My friends are making jokes about me like i can't sit on my ass even half year. Hm, they are right. I can't. And you know what? I love myself like that.