the tap

To make a decision is never easy.
and you never know when you are doing good or bad.

Very hard to balance, to keep it normal, to see straight. probably impossible. you just keep trying.

aurea mediocritas

and its still not happening
and probably never going to.

When you feel something is going to the right direction, someone comes and tells you, no, its not how its supposed to be, you are not right, doing it wrong. or just not saying anything.
Putting you in the position of being in unconscious state of mind .. thinking of what has just happened but you do not have the answer because there are no details about the situation.
There are no details, information, facts.. only conspiracy, terrifying  mud, blurry tomorrow, missing support, messy background.
but be strong. do everything what needs to be done. or what you think needs to be done.
thats the hardest.

break sometimes. or just cry a bit.
i cannot cry any more..
very disturbing feeling. 
the tap is not there any more where you used to release the pressure.